Fic: No Shining Star
Jul. 17th, 2007 08:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jedi_of_urthTitle: No Shining Star
or - Five Things the Doctor Hates About Rose Now
Author: jedi_of_urth
Rating: PG-13, ish. I really don’t do ratings well and it’s even harder on “Five things…” fics because it varies.
Characters/pairing: Mostly Ten, some Martha, Jack, Master, Rose mentioned. Doctor/Rose
Summery: He loves her and he always will, and that’s the big problem.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Doctor Who, really I don’t.
Author’s notes: Spoilers through ‘Last of the Time Lords.’ Most of these short fics have much longer ideas behind them, but I found this form got the point across better, maybe one day I’ll reexamine the longer form. Oh, and very very angsty.
That the Bad Wolf Stuff is Still Following Him
The Doctor had thought they were past the Bad Wolf words following them, but then Rose observed that on her side of the Void she’d been on Bad Wolf Bay, and after that he started to notice. The words were still there, not everywhere, but far more frequent than they ought to be and places where they had no reason to be if the words were simply thrown to the points in time Rose had already known them to exist at the time she had sent the message out.
The words didn’t make sense to him, and he realized the more he saw them that the only person they ever had made sense to was Rose. They had been a message to herself before, but what were they now? Unintentional side effects like Jack? Or were they a message to him, and if so what was she trying to say?
It was frustrating that he couldn’t make sense of it, and he wished she’d left him a decoder ring.
That She’d Ruined Him for Anyone Else
Martha was undeniably a very good assistant, she was smart and loyal and didn’t wander off. Time was he wouldn’t have known what was missing, wouldn’t have realized anything was missing.
But there was a difference, and he was trapped by it. The way he related to Martha was nearly the way he’d always related to companions, but now he could feel the shallowness of it. He didn’t want to change, but he already had changed too much to go back to the comfortable, uncomplicated way he wanted things to be.
He knew Martha didn’t like feeling as if she was competing with Rose’s memory and he didn’t like making her feel that way. If he could have gone back to being the man he used to be he would, it would have been easier on both of them. But that man had died in the Time War, and the man he was today he owed to Rose, and he was still learning how to be that man without her.
That He Can’t Actually Hate Her
Jack, being Jack, wouldn’t beg for death, but sometimes the Doctor couldn’t help but hope he stayed dead, because if he came back the cycle would just start up again. It was one of the Master’s favorite pastimes, torture Jack to death and force the Doctor to watch, for hours, sometimes days before he got bored.
In spite of Jack’s wrong state the Doctor had never wished his friend had remained dead on Satellite Five, he just hadn’t been able to be around him, if fact it was still uncomfortable being around him, for that reason but now so many others. The Master may have been the one to spill Jack’s blood in every manner possible, and he seemed to take delight in doing it himself rather than overseeing someone else, but it always seemed to the Doctor that the blood was on his own hands. The Master did it to hurt him, but he wouldn’t lay a hand on the Doctor, so he made Jack scream.
He wondered sometimes if Jack hated Rose for his state of not being able to escape even into death, but that was as close as the Doctor could come to blaming her, because he knew if she had been here it would kill her to know it was her fault this could happen. And that was the least of the reasons he was glad she didn’t have to face this.
That She Makes Him Keep Fighting
There were days when all he could smell was blood, all he could see was fire, all he could hear was screaming. When in his mind and heart the TARDIS sang her sick dying song and all he wanted was to give up, or give in and harness the still incomplete power of the Archangel Network and fight a hopeless fight against his prison, and either die or destroy what he hoped to save.
It was those nights he lay curled inside his tent, starving or sick, and couldn’t remember why he did it. But in those weak moments, if he could find sleep, he always found her. She would hold his hand, or cradle him in her arms, or sit and hold his head in her lap while he cried because he couldn’t do it anymore. Dream-Rose never judged him, but he knew real-Rose wouldn’t have either, she just held him and made him strong again, she believed in him the way no one in this universe would even when the day came and they fought back.
He didn’t smile when he woke up from those dreams, because he wasn’t happy, but he could keep going, hold on a little longer, deal with living another day with the blood and fire and screams. She made him stronger, but he promised himself that when this was over he’d take time to remember her smile.
That She’s Not Here
He couldn’t blame Jack and Martha for not being there with him, after all he’d told them that the Master was still his responsibility even after death and he would handle the funeral alone. But he knew that even if he had told Rose to let him do it alone she would have come. He wouldn’t have thought he would miss her inability to follow basic instructions as much as he had long ago realized he did.
And now, as he watched the flames consume the body of a man that had been by turns friend, enemy, hope, and destruction; he reached a dirty, sooty, newly remade young hand into the darkness and half expected her to be there to take it. She wasn’t of course, she never would be.
He looked up at the night sky as he walked away from the pyre, but it was no use, between the smoke and the tears he could no longer shed, he couldn’t see the stars properly. And even if he could, he couldn’t look up into the sky and point his way home, neither of them existed in this universe anymore.
or - Five Things the Doctor Hates About Rose Now
Author: jedi_of_urth
Rating: PG-13, ish. I really don’t do ratings well and it’s even harder on “Five things…” fics because it varies.
Characters/pairing: Mostly Ten, some Martha, Jack, Master, Rose mentioned. Doctor/Rose
Summery: He loves her and he always will, and that’s the big problem.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Doctor Who, really I don’t.
Author’s notes: Spoilers through ‘Last of the Time Lords.’ Most of these short fics have much longer ideas behind them, but I found this form got the point across better, maybe one day I’ll reexamine the longer form. Oh, and very very angsty.
That the Bad Wolf Stuff is Still Following Him
The Doctor had thought they were past the Bad Wolf words following them, but then Rose observed that on her side of the Void she’d been on Bad Wolf Bay, and after that he started to notice. The words were still there, not everywhere, but far more frequent than they ought to be and places where they had no reason to be if the words were simply thrown to the points in time Rose had already known them to exist at the time she had sent the message out.
The words didn’t make sense to him, and he realized the more he saw them that the only person they ever had made sense to was Rose. They had been a message to herself before, but what were they now? Unintentional side effects like Jack? Or were they a message to him, and if so what was she trying to say?
It was frustrating that he couldn’t make sense of it, and he wished she’d left him a decoder ring.
That She’d Ruined Him for Anyone Else
Martha was undeniably a very good assistant, she was smart and loyal and didn’t wander off. Time was he wouldn’t have known what was missing, wouldn’t have realized anything was missing.
But there was a difference, and he was trapped by it. The way he related to Martha was nearly the way he’d always related to companions, but now he could feel the shallowness of it. He didn’t want to change, but he already had changed too much to go back to the comfortable, uncomplicated way he wanted things to be.
He knew Martha didn’t like feeling as if she was competing with Rose’s memory and he didn’t like making her feel that way. If he could have gone back to being the man he used to be he would, it would have been easier on both of them. But that man had died in the Time War, and the man he was today he owed to Rose, and he was still learning how to be that man without her.
That He Can’t Actually Hate Her
Jack, being Jack, wouldn’t beg for death, but sometimes the Doctor couldn’t help but hope he stayed dead, because if he came back the cycle would just start up again. It was one of the Master’s favorite pastimes, torture Jack to death and force the Doctor to watch, for hours, sometimes days before he got bored.
In spite of Jack’s wrong state the Doctor had never wished his friend had remained dead on Satellite Five, he just hadn’t been able to be around him, if fact it was still uncomfortable being around him, for that reason but now so many others. The Master may have been the one to spill Jack’s blood in every manner possible, and he seemed to take delight in doing it himself rather than overseeing someone else, but it always seemed to the Doctor that the blood was on his own hands. The Master did it to hurt him, but he wouldn’t lay a hand on the Doctor, so he made Jack scream.
He wondered sometimes if Jack hated Rose for his state of not being able to escape even into death, but that was as close as the Doctor could come to blaming her, because he knew if she had been here it would kill her to know it was her fault this could happen. And that was the least of the reasons he was glad she didn’t have to face this.
That She Makes Him Keep Fighting
There were days when all he could smell was blood, all he could see was fire, all he could hear was screaming. When in his mind and heart the TARDIS sang her sick dying song and all he wanted was to give up, or give in and harness the still incomplete power of the Archangel Network and fight a hopeless fight against his prison, and either die or destroy what he hoped to save.
It was those nights he lay curled inside his tent, starving or sick, and couldn’t remember why he did it. But in those weak moments, if he could find sleep, he always found her. She would hold his hand, or cradle him in her arms, or sit and hold his head in her lap while he cried because he couldn’t do it anymore. Dream-Rose never judged him, but he knew real-Rose wouldn’t have either, she just held him and made him strong again, she believed in him the way no one in this universe would even when the day came and they fought back.
He didn’t smile when he woke up from those dreams, because he wasn’t happy, but he could keep going, hold on a little longer, deal with living another day with the blood and fire and screams. She made him stronger, but he promised himself that when this was over he’d take time to remember her smile.
That She’s Not Here
He couldn’t blame Jack and Martha for not being there with him, after all he’d told them that the Master was still his responsibility even after death and he would handle the funeral alone. But he knew that even if he had told Rose to let him do it alone she would have come. He wouldn’t have thought he would miss her inability to follow basic instructions as much as he had long ago realized he did.
And now, as he watched the flames consume the body of a man that had been by turns friend, enemy, hope, and destruction; he reached a dirty, sooty, newly remade young hand into the darkness and half expected her to be there to take it. She wasn’t of course, she never would be.
He looked up at the night sky as he walked away from the pyre, but it was no use, between the smoke and the tears he could no longer shed, he couldn’t see the stars properly. And even if he could, he couldn’t look up into the sky and point his way home, neither of them existed in this universe anymore.
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no subject
Date: 2007-07-18 03:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-18 05:49 am (UTC)The final one as well was another one of my favorites because we know that Rose would probably win out and she would have been there with him during that time.
Thanks for sharing!
no subject
Date: 2007-07-18 06:40 pm (UTC)I also blame a recent rewatch of TIP for the can't point the direction home concept, it got me thinking that with a universe between them, Rose and the Doctor can't do the look up at the sky and know that somewhere out there they're looking back thing, which then got me thinking that Gallifrey is the same way; so it was a concept I needed to use somewhere, and probably will again.
Anyway glad you liked it and thanks for commenting.
no subject
Date: 2007-07-18 07:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-18 06:46 pm (UTC)Thanks for commenting and I'm glad you liked it.
no subject
Date: 2007-07-18 02:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-18 06:54 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading and leaving feedback, feedback makes me happy.
no subject
Date: 2007-07-18 06:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-23 02:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-24 12:40 am (UTC)Thanks, glad you thought so.
I think the third segment was the hardest to read,
The third part was the hardest to write for all the wrong reasons, because I wound up giving "way" too much thought to sadistic things the Master could have done to Jack (it got pretty bad), and in the longer form it started out in, it just didn't relate back to Rose which was what wanted to do, that in a similar way to the Doctor can't let himself hate the Master after everything, he can't hate Rose for her part in their situation (not that she's got nearly as much to answer for, but he *can't* even consider it).
(And I've always thought that it was for the best that Rose wasn't with him during this arc, because the Master would have never allowed her to leave, and would have used her like he'd used Jack, to torture the Doctor. *shudder*)
The Master would have never let Rose get away that's for sure, not only was she the best leverage over the Doctor ever, she also fascinated him (hell, I think she did as was and she wasn't even around). I'm not sure he would have laid a hand on her (leastwise not the way I think he enjoyed laying in on Jack), but it would have been a psychological torture mess for everyone involved except him because he'd have enjoyed it.