jedi_of_urth (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jedi_of_urth) wrote2020-05-24 09:38 pm
jedi_of_urth) wrote2020-05-24 09:38 pm
Entry tags:
Fic: Can't Compete with Yesterday
Hmm, once upon a time this was supposed to be my fic-journal, and I have debated over the years porting my livejournal over here. Instead it has languished for...going on seven years now, and the most I've done is added to my fic master post about things I didn't actually post here. I have pretty much set my ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
tori_reviews self serving community for my TV reviewing of late, but some of it still ends up on lj.
But, for my grand return to posting anything on this journal, something between fic and a speculation post. Because the final season of Agents of SHIELD is coming and I have plenty of thoughts I've been trying to write about since the end of s6. So I opted to do it through the![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
1sentence structure to just throw it out there.
Fandom: Agents of SHIELD
Pairing: May/Coulson (both LMD and real versions)
Theme set: Gamma
Title: Can't Compete with Yesterday
Rating: PG-13 for a lot of talk of death and grief
Warning[s]: Spoilers through AoS s6 and the concepts for s7, wild speculation, not beta read, not a single continuity just a collection of potential moments. And lots of run-on sentences.
Notes: It's not all the same continuity exactly, but the same attitudes are present throughout different snippets; so May and LMD-Coulson have a very awkward relationship following the death of proper-Phil and things that have happened with Sarge, and this Coulson being an LMD. There isn't a lot of plot to be found here, just angst and grief and confusion. Kind of a wish-list for s7, but not exactly, I just needed to get how I think the LMD-Coulson situation could be handled (at least with regards to May).
#01 – Ring
They were supposed to be going undercover as a married couple, but in all the planning for this mission no one had packed a set of wedding rings, at least Coulson couldn't find any; May must have because she handed him one as they were heading out; Coulson had almost slipped it on blindly before realizing it was his father's ring which meant May had the set with her.
#02 – Hero
“You've spent your life trying to be Captain America and die for something you believe in, but I won't go down that road with you again; I won't bury you a third time.”
#03 – Memory
Melinda wanted to be comforted by the fact that Phil's memories lived on, she really did, but it remained disconcerting that a man (or robot) that she couldn't accept as Phil knew all the things about her that Phil had.
#04 – Box
It's Christmas, local time, and May hands Coulson a box he's seen in her room a couple times; it turns out to be full of Captain America trading cards (still in the wrapping, but of course they are brand new); he thought about buying some himself but it had felt like cheating, this didn't.
#05 – Run
“We could split up,” he suggested, panting for breaths he shouldn't really need; but May shook her head emphatically, three or four lifetimes in and he was still having to learn that she didn't leave his side.
#06 – Hurricane
All they can do now is trust that the reset waves work to restore the previous timeline; and as they wait Melinda melted in Coulson's arms, trusting that whether they survived this or not, he'd be holding her when it was done.
#07 – Wings
“Come on, you have to get out of the plane sometimes,” Coulson chided her; they both recognized that she was hiding again after the latest emotional blow, but apparently it wasn't good enough for him that she was still doing what she could for the team.
#08 – Cold
She expected him to feel cold, even though she knew it wouldn't be the case; Enoch didn't, Aida hadn't, even Phil's artificial hand had felt real in hers.
#09 – Red
He saw red when the others told him what they knew about what happened between May and Sarge in the temple; but when she told him the part no one else had been able to hear it was hard to believe – that there was any version of him who could reject her love seemed impossible.
#10 – Drink
Most mornings when May got up to do tai chi there was a fresh cup of tea waiting for her; she'd never had to ask where it came from.
#11 – Midnight
He doesn't sleep anymore, his upgraded body doesn't need it, but with Melinda snoring ever so slightly in his arms, he was able to rest; they were both able to feel at peace for a while.
#12 – Temptation
He really wants to kiss her, but he remembers what it was like kissing her LMD and doesn't want to be that kind of disappointment.
#13 – View
Daisy asks her if it's so different to accept the robot from what happened to Fitz; Simmons quickly brings up Sarge, Mack simply points to it being a robot, and Elena defends that May's had to deal with the grief much longer; all four of them are right.
#14 – Music
For so many years May had rolled her eyes when Coulson would go on a tear about SHIELD history, taking a long time to admit she found his nerdiness more cute than annoying; now the familiar sound is achingly familiar in the best and worst ways.
#15 – Silk
“Do both of your hands feel now?” May asked without looking up from the console she was staring at; Coulson hadn't expected that question and the answer is fairly complex to get into right now.
#16 – Cover
Melinda hung on the LMD-Coulson's arm and smiled until her face hurt; being undercover with him in a whole different decade was at least familiar in the ache she felt that it wasn't real.
#17 – Promise
“Trust me,” he said sadly, not looking at her as he did, “all the questions you have about whether I'm still me, I promise I have them too.”
#18 – Dream
She sure feels like she's been stabbed in the gut, so she's probably not dead,but she must still be dreaming, because she can hear Phil calling to her.
#19 – Candle
“I finally understand,” he said, letting go of an ember of anger he hadn't known he still carried; “you would have died, and I don't care what alien voodoo they had to use to bring you back.”
#20 – Talent
“I've been meaning to ask,” Deke said, “how does a guy like you get someone like May?” but if Coulson had ever known the answer it clearly wouldn't work a second time.
#21 – Silence
Coulson had never been as good at interpreting May's silences as he'd like (or as he suspected she would have liked), and right now her silences were deafening, if indistinct in what they were saying.
#22 – Journey
Daisy and Yoyo are sparring while Simmons and Mack are talking to Fitz over the coms about their next move, when May walks up beside Coulson to lean on the rail overlooking their team; it's as if they've come full circle.
#23 – Fire
The crates they're hiding behind won't hold forever, a situation they've been in so many times before, but this time before he steps out to do something stupid he turns to her with an important question, “You know I love you, right?”
#24 – Strength
Fitz had been known to talk about how he and Simmons were cursed, and Simmons pondered out loud that May and Coulson could feel the same way; May didn't know how to respond, but Coulson's answer was pretty good, that it seemed less like the universe trying to split them up but rather worked very hard to always bring them back together.
#25 – Mask
“Here's what I'm thinking,” Coulson said after a week of how awkward things were between him and May, “we can do our own time traveling and go back to how it was when you were with Andrew;” they had worked well together then and done well pretending they weren't each other's could-have-been; it would be much stranger now that the other man was also him but those were understood boundaries.
#26 – Ice
Daisy was shocked when May didn't want to see Coulson as soon as possible, but Mack and Elena weren't; “She never liked the holo-messages either,” Mack said with a shrug.
#27 – Fall
She's in very real danger of falling in love with him again, but she isn't sure that's the right move for either of them when she never stopped loving him before.
#28 – Forgotten
After all this time holding tight to the fact he was a machine now, Melinda finally forgot it at a crucial moment, when she tried to knock him out so she could make the final sacrifice play herself.
#29 – Dance
She'd only agreed to one dance, but that turned into four, then more; the truth was she just wanted to hold him and be held by him for as long as possible until whatever next crisis came between them.
#30 – Body
Even though she's healed from the damage Sarge did to her body, she was left with an assortment of scars to remind her not to be taken in by a familiar (beloved) face.
#31 – Sacred
As Coulson told the others, he wasn't surprised May chose not to call him Phil, she hadn't exactly accepted him on sight; he was more surprised (though not shocked on reflection) when Elena told him May hadn't referred to any version of him as Phil since he'd died.
#32 – Farewells
“Why does it sound like you're saying goodbye?” she asked, pain in her eyes at the prospect of losing what remained of the man she loved.
#33 – World
For her it's been a couple years, but last he remembers he was searching any corner of the world to find her after Radcliffe replaced her with the LMD; the irony is too much for his mechanical brain to deal with right now.
#34 – Formal
It's not as if they forget how things have changed, but most of the team falls quickly back into calling him 'sir' even though he's not in charge right now; but May will defer to him as neither 'sir' nor 'Phil' so she sticks with 'Coulson.'
#35 – Fever
May's sick and fevered, and Simmons says that wasn't supposed to happen during her recovery; she does keep calling for him, and his presence seems to help sooth her, so it's best for them both that he never leaves her side.
#36 – Laugh
He can still make her laugh, and if him commenting that it seems weird to hear her laugh strikes a memory of the real Coulson, the reminder is more wistful than painful now.
#37 – Lies
Coulson's ears were especially good now, so he clearly heard Daisy and Deke talking about him and May; “Do you think they're already together and just not telling us?” Deke asked; and though Coulson was no longer quite sure what he and May were, he wouldn't say they were together.
#38 – Forever
He tried to make it sound as offhand as possible when he asked if she and Phil had eloped before the end; the false ease was very similar to when Phil had asked if she wanted to make it official, but she had turned him down because she wouldn't marry him just for that; she was with him until the end and would always love him, but marriage was a promise of time they didn't have.
#39 – Overwhelmed
May's been holding it together really well (not that anyone expected differently) but it's finally too ridiculous and she explodes at Coulson across the meeting table, “You're telling me the Chronicoms have decided to slip you a better pick up line 20 years ago so we'd end up leaving SHIELD?”
#40 – Whisper
“Phil,” Melinda whispered as Coulson lay her unconscious body down in the med-bay; and though he didn't technically have a heart anymore, he was pretty sure it broke at the pain and love she could contain in a single word.
#41 – Wait
They all wanted to wait until May was out of surgery, but Simmons basically ordered them all to go out on their present mission and let her work; “Besides,” Daisy suggested when she saw Coulson's hang-dog expression, “I think she might have a hard time believing she's alive with you here.”
#42 – Talk
As Daisy slipped off for bed, she thought about making a joke about not trusting Coulson and May together, but as they were actually getting along without it seeming awkward for once she decided not to risk it.
#43 – Search
He tries to avoid doing things that remind people he's not the real Phil Coulson, but the fact that he has life-sign detectors and the ability to break through walls to rescue people he loves does come in handy.
#44 – Hope
“We weren't going to tell you,” he said carefully, “for reasons that made sense at the time; but if this works we can save your Phil, Simmons figured out how to cure him and I can die in his place; so that better give you a reason to pull through this.”
#45 – Eclipse
The robot can never truly take Phil's place, and even as Melinda came to appreciate him more it doesn't do much to take away the pain of losing him too soon.
#46 – Gravity
By any metric it wasn't their first kiss, and it didn't exactly compare to the one they'd shared while in the midst of battle with Talbot and the aliens; but the light, tentative press of his lips on hers was the start of something new.
#47 – Highway
There was still a lot to figure out, but he finally got the retirement he'd planned on; the open road before him, Lola restored that he could go anywhere, with Melinda at his side to make it a trip worth taking.
#48 – Unknown
“I don't know,” she answered truthfully when this new-Coulson asked if she was okay with this.
#49 – Lock
Simmons does understand that there isn't a lot of time between missions to talk things out when things are complicated, so when some combination of the team need to take some time she threatens to lock them in the mental simulator for half an hour, this giving them the better part of a week stuck sorting it out.
#50 – Breathe
It's a good thing he doesn't need to breathe anymore, because she completely takes his breath away.
tori_reviews self serving community for my TV reviewing of late, but some of it still ends up on lj.But, for my grand return to posting anything on this journal, something between fic and a speculation post. Because the final season of Agents of SHIELD is coming and I have plenty of thoughts I've been trying to write about since the end of s6. So I opted to do it through the
1sentence structure to just throw it out there.Fandom: Agents of SHIELD
Pairing: May/Coulson (both LMD and real versions)
Theme set: Gamma
Title: Can't Compete with Yesterday
Rating: PG-13 for a lot of talk of death and grief
Warning[s]: Spoilers through AoS s6 and the concepts for s7, wild speculation, not beta read, not a single continuity just a collection of potential moments. And lots of run-on sentences.
Notes: It's not all the same continuity exactly, but the same attitudes are present throughout different snippets; so May and LMD-Coulson have a very awkward relationship following the death of proper-Phil and things that have happened with Sarge, and this Coulson being an LMD. There isn't a lot of plot to be found here, just angst and grief and confusion. Kind of a wish-list for s7, but not exactly, I just needed to get how I think the LMD-Coulson situation could be handled (at least with regards to May).
#01 – Ring
They were supposed to be going undercover as a married couple, but in all the planning for this mission no one had packed a set of wedding rings, at least Coulson couldn't find any; May must have because she handed him one as they were heading out; Coulson had almost slipped it on blindly before realizing it was his father's ring which meant May had the set with her.
#02 – Hero
“You've spent your life trying to be Captain America and die for something you believe in, but I won't go down that road with you again; I won't bury you a third time.”
#03 – Memory
Melinda wanted to be comforted by the fact that Phil's memories lived on, she really did, but it remained disconcerting that a man (or robot) that she couldn't accept as Phil knew all the things about her that Phil had.
#04 – Box
It's Christmas, local time, and May hands Coulson a box he's seen in her room a couple times; it turns out to be full of Captain America trading cards (still in the wrapping, but of course they are brand new); he thought about buying some himself but it had felt like cheating, this didn't.
#05 – Run
“We could split up,” he suggested, panting for breaths he shouldn't really need; but May shook her head emphatically, three or four lifetimes in and he was still having to learn that she didn't leave his side.
#06 – Hurricane
All they can do now is trust that the reset waves work to restore the previous timeline; and as they wait Melinda melted in Coulson's arms, trusting that whether they survived this or not, he'd be holding her when it was done.
#07 – Wings
“Come on, you have to get out of the plane sometimes,” Coulson chided her; they both recognized that she was hiding again after the latest emotional blow, but apparently it wasn't good enough for him that she was still doing what she could for the team.
#08 – Cold
She expected him to feel cold, even though she knew it wouldn't be the case; Enoch didn't, Aida hadn't, even Phil's artificial hand had felt real in hers.
#09 – Red
He saw red when the others told him what they knew about what happened between May and Sarge in the temple; but when she told him the part no one else had been able to hear it was hard to believe – that there was any version of him who could reject her love seemed impossible.
#10 – Drink
Most mornings when May got up to do tai chi there was a fresh cup of tea waiting for her; she'd never had to ask where it came from.
#11 – Midnight
He doesn't sleep anymore, his upgraded body doesn't need it, but with Melinda snoring ever so slightly in his arms, he was able to rest; they were both able to feel at peace for a while.
#12 – Temptation
He really wants to kiss her, but he remembers what it was like kissing her LMD and doesn't want to be that kind of disappointment.
#13 – View
Daisy asks her if it's so different to accept the robot from what happened to Fitz; Simmons quickly brings up Sarge, Mack simply points to it being a robot, and Elena defends that May's had to deal with the grief much longer; all four of them are right.
#14 – Music
For so many years May had rolled her eyes when Coulson would go on a tear about SHIELD history, taking a long time to admit she found his nerdiness more cute than annoying; now the familiar sound is achingly familiar in the best and worst ways.
#15 – Silk
“Do both of your hands feel now?” May asked without looking up from the console she was staring at; Coulson hadn't expected that question and the answer is fairly complex to get into right now.
#16 – Cover
Melinda hung on the LMD-Coulson's arm and smiled until her face hurt; being undercover with him in a whole different decade was at least familiar in the ache she felt that it wasn't real.
#17 – Promise
“Trust me,” he said sadly, not looking at her as he did, “all the questions you have about whether I'm still me, I promise I have them too.”
#18 – Dream
She sure feels like she's been stabbed in the gut, so she's probably not dead,but she must still be dreaming, because she can hear Phil calling to her.
#19 – Candle
“I finally understand,” he said, letting go of an ember of anger he hadn't known he still carried; “you would have died, and I don't care what alien voodoo they had to use to bring you back.”
#20 – Talent
“I've been meaning to ask,” Deke said, “how does a guy like you get someone like May?” but if Coulson had ever known the answer it clearly wouldn't work a second time.
#21 – Silence
Coulson had never been as good at interpreting May's silences as he'd like (or as he suspected she would have liked), and right now her silences were deafening, if indistinct in what they were saying.
#22 – Journey
Daisy and Yoyo are sparring while Simmons and Mack are talking to Fitz over the coms about their next move, when May walks up beside Coulson to lean on the rail overlooking their team; it's as if they've come full circle.
#23 – Fire
The crates they're hiding behind won't hold forever, a situation they've been in so many times before, but this time before he steps out to do something stupid he turns to her with an important question, “You know I love you, right?”
#24 – Strength
Fitz had been known to talk about how he and Simmons were cursed, and Simmons pondered out loud that May and Coulson could feel the same way; May didn't know how to respond, but Coulson's answer was pretty good, that it seemed less like the universe trying to split them up but rather worked very hard to always bring them back together.
#25 – Mask
“Here's what I'm thinking,” Coulson said after a week of how awkward things were between him and May, “we can do our own time traveling and go back to how it was when you were with Andrew;” they had worked well together then and done well pretending they weren't each other's could-have-been; it would be much stranger now that the other man was also him but those were understood boundaries.
#26 – Ice
Daisy was shocked when May didn't want to see Coulson as soon as possible, but Mack and Elena weren't; “She never liked the holo-messages either,” Mack said with a shrug.
#27 – Fall
She's in very real danger of falling in love with him again, but she isn't sure that's the right move for either of them when she never stopped loving him before.
#28 – Forgotten
After all this time holding tight to the fact he was a machine now, Melinda finally forgot it at a crucial moment, when she tried to knock him out so she could make the final sacrifice play herself.
#29 – Dance
She'd only agreed to one dance, but that turned into four, then more; the truth was she just wanted to hold him and be held by him for as long as possible until whatever next crisis came between them.
#30 – Body
Even though she's healed from the damage Sarge did to her body, she was left with an assortment of scars to remind her not to be taken in by a familiar (beloved) face.
#31 – Sacred
As Coulson told the others, he wasn't surprised May chose not to call him Phil, she hadn't exactly accepted him on sight; he was more surprised (though not shocked on reflection) when Elena told him May hadn't referred to any version of him as Phil since he'd died.
#32 – Farewells
“Why does it sound like you're saying goodbye?” she asked, pain in her eyes at the prospect of losing what remained of the man she loved.
#33 – World
For her it's been a couple years, but last he remembers he was searching any corner of the world to find her after Radcliffe replaced her with the LMD; the irony is too much for his mechanical brain to deal with right now.
#34 – Formal
It's not as if they forget how things have changed, but most of the team falls quickly back into calling him 'sir' even though he's not in charge right now; but May will defer to him as neither 'sir' nor 'Phil' so she sticks with 'Coulson.'
#35 – Fever
May's sick and fevered, and Simmons says that wasn't supposed to happen during her recovery; she does keep calling for him, and his presence seems to help sooth her, so it's best for them both that he never leaves her side.
#36 – Laugh
He can still make her laugh, and if him commenting that it seems weird to hear her laugh strikes a memory of the real Coulson, the reminder is more wistful than painful now.
#37 – Lies
Coulson's ears were especially good now, so he clearly heard Daisy and Deke talking about him and May; “Do you think they're already together and just not telling us?” Deke asked; and though Coulson was no longer quite sure what he and May were, he wouldn't say they were together.
#38 – Forever
He tried to make it sound as offhand as possible when he asked if she and Phil had eloped before the end; the false ease was very similar to when Phil had asked if she wanted to make it official, but she had turned him down because she wouldn't marry him just for that; she was with him until the end and would always love him, but marriage was a promise of time they didn't have.
#39 – Overwhelmed
May's been holding it together really well (not that anyone expected differently) but it's finally too ridiculous and she explodes at Coulson across the meeting table, “You're telling me the Chronicoms have decided to slip you a better pick up line 20 years ago so we'd end up leaving SHIELD?”
#40 – Whisper
“Phil,” Melinda whispered as Coulson lay her unconscious body down in the med-bay; and though he didn't technically have a heart anymore, he was pretty sure it broke at the pain and love she could contain in a single word.
#41 – Wait
They all wanted to wait until May was out of surgery, but Simmons basically ordered them all to go out on their present mission and let her work; “Besides,” Daisy suggested when she saw Coulson's hang-dog expression, “I think she might have a hard time believing she's alive with you here.”
#42 – Talk
As Daisy slipped off for bed, she thought about making a joke about not trusting Coulson and May together, but as they were actually getting along without it seeming awkward for once she decided not to risk it.
#43 – Search
He tries to avoid doing things that remind people he's not the real Phil Coulson, but the fact that he has life-sign detectors and the ability to break through walls to rescue people he loves does come in handy.
#44 – Hope
“We weren't going to tell you,” he said carefully, “for reasons that made sense at the time; but if this works we can save your Phil, Simmons figured out how to cure him and I can die in his place; so that better give you a reason to pull through this.”
#45 – Eclipse
The robot can never truly take Phil's place, and even as Melinda came to appreciate him more it doesn't do much to take away the pain of losing him too soon.
#46 – Gravity
By any metric it wasn't their first kiss, and it didn't exactly compare to the one they'd shared while in the midst of battle with Talbot and the aliens; but the light, tentative press of his lips on hers was the start of something new.
#47 – Highway
There was still a lot to figure out, but he finally got the retirement he'd planned on; the open road before him, Lola restored that he could go anywhere, with Melinda at his side to make it a trip worth taking.
#48 – Unknown
“I don't know,” she answered truthfully when this new-Coulson asked if she was okay with this.
#49 – Lock
Simmons does understand that there isn't a lot of time between missions to talk things out when things are complicated, so when some combination of the team need to take some time she threatens to lock them in the mental simulator for half an hour, this giving them the better part of a week stuck sorting it out.
#50 – Breathe
It's a good thing he doesn't need to breathe anymore, because she completely takes his breath away.